Jokes

[YungGun]

(Due to my findings of funny jokes, i have decided to start a joke thread {hope your happy Demon}. In this thread i will post jokes i find from various places and maybe some i make up on my own. Also if any one wants to post any joke, feel free to post. In fact, I insist everyone post at least one joke. You don't have to)

(this is from New Dawn)

Rules of Southern Life

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

[Demon]

(This is from BF)

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant
says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social
security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your
occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't
work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore call girl?'
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last
year."
"Good enough."

[YungGun]

(this was posted in New Dawn but was posted by someone from silver knights)

Johnny just got laid off from work that day, and was walking back to his house when he passed a big manorhouse. Worried that he might not be able to pay his rent for that month, he decides to break into the manor that night and see what he can steal.

That night he climbs over the wall, manages to open the lock on the backdoor and slips inside the house. With a tiny flashlight he scans the room and sees a big safe with its door open. "What luck!" he thinks happily to himself, and walks towards the safe.

"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" someone yells, scaring Johnny absolutely less! He quickly scans the room with his flashlight but doesnt see anyone. "Just my imagination" he thinks, and moves towards the safe. He gets on his knees to see inside the safe when that same voice booms again:

"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!"

This time, he knows its definately not his imagination so he asks out loud who had said that. "MOZES" the voice replies. Now Johnny is really confused and scans the room once more. He discovers a large birdcage with a parrot inside. Relieved, he smiles at the parrot. "What kind of idiot would name his parrot Mozes?" he chuckles.

"Well," says the parrot "the same kind of idiot that would name his dobermann Jesus."

[YungGun]

WAYS TO DISTURB YOUR "BATHROOM BUDDY"

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, May I borrow a highlighter?
2. Uh-oh, I knew I shouldnt put my lips on that.
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Hmmm, Ive never seen that color before.
5. Damn, this water is cold.
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. Now how did that get there?
8. Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,Whoa! Easy boy!!
10. Interesting....more sinkers than floaters
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. Cmon Mr. Happy! Dont fall asleep on me!!"
13. Boy, that sure looks like a maggot
14. Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free.

[YungGun]

MY MOM TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If youre going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, thats why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and Ill give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"Youll sit there til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If Ive told you once, Ive told you a million times - dont exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do!"

[theant]

LOL I love the one above!

[cody]

First... There was a man and he had a donkey who wouldn't stop crying so he set up a flyer that said, "I will give $1,000 to the person that makes this donkey stop crying." So people from all over the land tried to make the donkey stop crying using card tricks, jokes, and silly stunts, anything to make the donkey stop crying, but the donkey would not stop crying and eventually everybody gave up, but then a large man in black came up to the man and said, "Let Me Try." So he went over to the donkey and whispered in it's ear and the donkey started laughing. So the man asked him how he did it and the large man in black said, "I never revail my secrets."

SO... The man was happy for a time and then he got frusterated because the donkey would not stop laughing. So he put up another flyer that said, "I'll give a $2,000 dollars to whoever makes the donkey stop laughing." So people from all over the land intemidated the donkey, made fun of him, and they even used Your momma jokes, but the donkey would not stop laughing, but then the same large man in black came up to the man and said let me try again. So he went up to the donkey and all the man heard was "Zip zip" and the donkey started crying again and so the man asked the large man in black how he did it and he said, "I never revial my secrets." So the man said, "I'll give you $3,000 if you tell me your secret." And the large man in black said, "Fine, but do not revial my secret." So the man asked the large man in black, "How did you get the donkey to stop Crying and start laughing?" and the large man in black said, "I told him my dick was bigger then his." the man then said, "How did you get the donkey to start crying again?" The large man in black replied, " I proved it."

[AxeHappyLoser]

A young boy named Tommy saw his grandpa go outside. Tommy follows him out the door and see's his him smoking a cigar.

Tommy:Hey Grandpa, Can I hit that?

Grandpa: Can your dick touch your ass?

Tommy: No...

Grandpa: Well then you can't smoke this cigar.

The next day Tommy saw his grandpa go outside around the same time he did before. Tommy again fallows him and sees his grandpa smoking a cig.

Tommy: Hey Grandpa. Can I hit that?

Grandpa: Can your dick touch your ass?

Tommy: No...

Grandpa: Then you can't smoke this cig.

The next day Tommy sees Grandpa drinking a beer while watching a football game.

Tommy: Hey Grandpa. Can I have a drink of that?

Grandpa: Can your dick touch your ass?

Tommy: No...

Grandpa: Well then you can't drink this beer.

Later that day, the grandpa goes into the kitchen for something to eat during halftime. Tommy is sitting at the table eating fresh made cookies.

Grandpa: Hey Tommy. Can I have a cookie?

Tommy: Can your dick touch your ass?

Grandpa: Why yes it can.

Tommy: Well then you'd better go and yourself because grandma baked me these cookies

[naomi23]

A blond walks into a bar and she says..

"OUCH!"

~23~

[Raistlin]

I couldn't help it. I saw this joke on the TP and had to share with everyone:

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

[YungGun]

thats funny as hell!!!!!

[endless]

No offense to polish people. This joke got stuck in my head for a couple days.

This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.

"For God's sake, Stan," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee."

So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.

[Morge]

Raist, yeah I saw that on the TP. It's messed up, but great.
Endless, that's just wrong. Polish chicks pee on the street corners.

[Minion]

And you piss in a cup and drink it, you sick basturd.

[Raistlin]

What?! Where the hell did that come from??